....Jesus

lately I've just been feeling this sense of loneliness and emptiness. You know that feeling where you just crave so much Jesus but can't seem to grasp Him? I read my bible every day, I pray constantly for more of Him and for Him to heal my brokenness, sorrows, depression..etc. It seems as if most of the time I overreact about certain things and I find myself having such little faith. I always ask not only myself "why?", but God too. I question every little thing I do. I don't know why I always feel empty and why my faith is constantly fragile and unstable. I don't know why God allows these never ending thoughts to process through my brain but they do. I seem to be okay with giving others advice and encouragement, yet I can not give it to myself. I can reveal this Truth and Hope to others but not even to myself? I just feel so empty and so cold hearted. Am I unwilling? Unfaithful? Doubtful? I do not know. But I do trust God in what He is doing. I know He has a plan for every little doubt that goes through my head. I know His thoughts and ways are greater than mine. I know it. I think I just need patience and more understanding of what He wants from me. I need to understand that God is in different spots with everyone. I question my parents' and brother's salvation all the time because I've been praying for them for four years and can't seem to grasp why God wouldn't want them to be apart of His family. I question why I do certain things that are just beyond my limits as a so-called "Christian". I question whether I'm actually even a Christian because I know I am not near anything of what Christ looks like. I question why I repeatedly do things over and over again. I question whether I'm ever going to learn or not. I mean I don't know what to do about any of this, but God DOES. I need discipline and I need more Jesus. I need this faith and this relationship to be real; to be the Only thing I am living for. I need others to know this and to see this in me. I need my Father so much closer, because I don't have a clue what I am doing and I need Him to teach me. I need peace and I need a transformed heart, because I am not who I think I am or even what I imagine to be...I want to be real so please pray for me, thanks so much. Peace be with you.

nom nom nom

Hello all you blog-stalkas, I haven't had much to say lately that is worth posting but life is quite exquisite and I'm just taking in summer one day at a time. Here's a little playlist for y'all music fanz. 

1. Animus Vox- The Glitch Mob

2. A Sight To Behold- Eisley

3. Fortune Days- The Glitch Mob

4. Witchcraft- Pendulum

5. The Island Pt. 1 & 2- Pendulum 

6. 5 Years Time- Noah and The Whale

7. Sun Hands- Local Natives

8. Towers- Bon Iver

9. Go Outside- Cults

10. My Girls- Animal Collective

11. Calgary- Bon Iver

12. Drive It Like You Stole It- The Glitch Mob

13. Hold On- Angus & Julia Stone

14. Beautiful Things- Gungor

15. On My Mind- Justin King

16. 20 Years- The Civil Wars

17. The Death of Us- The New Amsterdams

18. To Travels and Trunks- Hey Marseilles

19. Yellow Brick Road- Angus & Julia Stone

20. Rio- Hey Marseilles

a little somethin'

So a couple weeks ago my English teacher had us do a creative writing. At first I thought it was really stupid, but I ended up having a lot of fun with it. So here it is.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you will want to know is how I ended up in this place. It all started last week while I was staying here in a cheap motel near Central Park. I looked out the window and saw...piles and piles of snow. I was getting ready to leave, and before I knew it, I was snowed in. I am not sure when I will be able to leave this place, but there is no food, and the heater is broken. My skin is slowly deteriorating, and my heart is overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety cast upon my shoulders. I am the only one here, and there is no cell service. I have tried using the house phone, but the lines have been disconnected. I keep hearing these voices, as if someone is here in the room beside me. My soul is aching, and I am trapped completely. I have tried everything possible, although every time I try something new, I find myself that much closer to this Hope. I trust that I will be able to escape, but right now it feels as if I am being punished and tortured for something I once did, as if this is happening for a reason. The walls are slowly and creepily closing in on me, but there is this Light. This is the only Glimpse that shines though the window both during the day and night. This Light never fades away, and I know it will never leave nor forsake me. When all else fails, and when all is darkness, I know I can look to that Light for the One and only Hope this precious and feeble life has to offer. I know I am not alone, I am just one step closer.

Your Light will shine when all else fails.

procrastination? yes please.

          boy, I have not been on this thing in months. Instead of writing my critical essay, I have decided to not conquer procrastination and blog instead. In the past couple of months, I have just been reevaluating my life and everything that comes along with it. Nonetheless, it's been hard, but very eye-opening and a huge glimpse at God's better purpose. A couple months ago I listened to one of Francis Chan's sermons on surrender, and I think of it everyday. Me, out of all people, try my best to avoid this topic of "surrender". In complete and utter honesty, I like things to go my way and through that I still strive to give all glory and praise to God. But what I have learned is actually the very opposite of this. Through this new stage of life, I have acquired the knowledge of what true surrender looks like. I have given up numerous possessions and materials, and yes, it was hands down one of the toughest things to do, but through that God rewards you. Trials surely are your mercies in disguise.
          On a different note, four of the girls in my small group got baptized today, and I also got to hear my best friend share her testimony at the 5 oclock service at my church. It was a blessed day full of weeping, laughter, rejoicing, and awakening. I feel so honored to have such dear friends, and an amazing church which I can call home. Be blessed my lovely friends and family.         

mutemath=brilliant.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOi8KwxgFQ

OK by MuteMath 

Down on my knees down on my face,
You just say it's ok.
So many days I've thrown away,
You just say it's ok.
I don't think I could ever repay
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

It's ok, It's ok
It's ok, It's ok
You've become my embrace;
Just tell me it's ok.

Your precious words intoxicate

A heart that aches; it's ok. You don't recall my past mistakes, You just say it's ok. The human mind can't calculate Your perfect grace, but it's ok. Even though you've seen a thousand times I've let you down, You're always there if I should call your name. You're unashamed, unashamed.

surrendering and more.

"He will reveal himself to our earnest prayers, and graciously suffer himself to be detained by our entreaties and by our tears, for these are the golden chains which bind Jesus to his people."-Charles Spurgeon

Warning you now: this is probably going to be a super discombobulated post for some of you, but this is all on my heart and I'm not sure how to tie it all together and I don't care, so just bear with me.

I don't know about you, but I, personally, have a really tough time surrendering everything to God. This day has by far been one of the toughest and convicting days I've had in awhile (hence the angst of blogging). Anyway, I was having a conversation with my friend a couple days ago and told him that I hadn't felt fully alive in Christ since summer. His response was, "really??"... This killed me inside. Questions went through my head like: Am I being real with God? Am I only giving parts of myself that are easy to surrender to God? Am I giving Him the glory that I say He deserves? What am I even doing if my purpose isn't to glorify Him? This hit home. Especially last night. I stayed up till approximately 6am praying, crying, reading, listening, and marveling at the goodness of God. I took the cheesy "too blessed to be depressed" bumper sticker off of my car and put it onto my bulletin board. I saw it last night and realized I had been weeping about worthless things, and that I focus way too much on the negatives in my life. I really am too blessed to be depressed, and that's an understatement. I take things for granted, especially my friends and family, and I hesitate to do things for God that push me out of my comfort zone. I am so locked into the desires of my own flesh, that I can't even focus on what God might want for me. So last night was the night. I can honestly and truly still say to this very minute that these past 20 hours or so have made me feel closer to Christ than ever. I can wholeheartedly admit that I confessed all of these burdens and iniquities for hours last night, and I'm not ashamed of that. I was flooded with not only the grace of my friends and family, but most importantly from my Father in heaven. For the first time in months, I felt the glory of God at my fingertips. I listened to sermons, I re-read journal entries, I prayed immensely, and connected with my Daddy more than ever. It was something so huge (yet seemed so simple in the end), but really if you want to give up everything for/to God, then tell Him that. Tell Him your weaknesses, and be patient for His answers. Fortunately, mine came to me overnight but it's different every time. Remember that God always answers your prayers, even though it might not be exactly what you want to hear at first. "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning....You make all things work together for my good." I know this song is so "outdated" but these lyrics are soo powerful and so entirely true. God will never leave you unsatisfied. This is an uphill battle, but keep reaching for the top and you'll surely get there. Keep persevering! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Prov. 3:15

"Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says, 'I cannot stand anymore.' God does not heed; He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.'"-Oswald Chambers

it is good!

I haven't blogged in awhile, so I apologize to those who actually read this and are saddened by my lack of consistency with my blog. Anyway, I'm going to keep this short and brief but this week has been nothing but complete atonement for me. This past weekend I had the opportunity to go to winter camp up at Forest Home, and that alone was just so refreshing. I came home feeling a sense of complete renewal and salvation, and right away knew I wanted to actually make changes "coming down the mountain". The theme was reflection and how the way we love others reflects God's image (1 John 3:16-20). The first day or so, I wasn't feeling spiritually filled or satisfied like I had felt in previous years. But by Saturday night (after praying that God would reveal himself to me), I felt this incredible closeness and intimacy with God that I hadn't experienced in awhile. I was singing at the top of my lungs to the point where I couldn't even hear others singing! It was truly amazing. If you want to hear more in-depth details, then just ask me. I'd love to talk more with you.

On a different note, yesterday was also a great day of celebration and reflection on God's blessings in my life. I found out I boosted my grade in American Literature to an A, which was quite exciting. I also was invited to a Global Leadership Conference that took place today during second period. A limited number of juniors (about 15 or so), were chosen to be a part of this experience and I didn't realize how big of a deal it actually was until I arrived. We got there and were split up into groups of 4 or 5 people, and did a bunch of little exercises testing our inner-leadership talents. It was an eye-opening process that we all fortunately got to participate in. The speaker (Carole Harder) was a Christian so it was definitely really easy to cope with her :) Global Leadership Connection is an organization that basically seeks out youth leaders in our society and brings them all together to help bring about a better future for us all. It really is an awesome program as cheesy as it sounds. They actually award scholarship money and an all-expense paid trip to Washington D.C. so tonight, I actually have an interview with them (that I am pretty nervous about), but at the same time am so stoked to talk about the ethical conduct in our world and link that with my spirituality! Should be a sweet time of great conversation and reflection of who I actually am and how I want to make an impact on the world. Prayer is quite acceptable, thank you :) Oh and one last thing! Listen to the song, The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets---soo good! Have a great week!