There Is Light at the End of the Tunnel

These past couple of months I have been dealing with some pretty overwhelming anxiety/panic attacks. It all began a couple days before school started up back in August; I was driving and all of a sudden my heart started pounding, my vision became blurry, I had shortness of breathing, and thought I was seeing my life flash before my eyes. I had never experienced anything like this before; I was terrified and ever since that one night I have been dealing with reoccurring attacks. My immediate instinct was to turn to earthly resources (doctors) for help... In the past two months I have gone to the chiropractor numerous times, had acupuncture done, and have seen my physician to see if it is something physically wrong. I have placed a lot of my trust in these earthly things, and have recently realized that all I need to really do is relax and TRUST in the LORD. God has control over this entire season of my life; He has control over the doctors that I see & the panic attacks that occur. I have been pretty dry in my prayer life this past year or so; I have lost touch with the goodness of God, and have pretty much just set a lot of my validity and happiness in worldly things. When you turn your back from God, sometimes He uses suffering to pull you back to Him. He is using this season of my life to test my faith and see how strong I really am. He is testing me to see who I place my trust and hope in when I have these attacks--doctors or Him? God is not going to stop loving me & He is not going to stop chasing after me. Sometimes I just feel so oblivious because I go through hardships and feel so deteriorated & hopeless, but feel SO much better when I return my focus back to Him. It is difficult because I feel like I am only close to God when something bad happens in my life, so my prayer is that this precious time with Him would occur daily & consistently. I always find myself worrying about the future (college, career, marriage, health, security), but I don't even know if tomorrow will come! It's silly how often I forget that life here on Earth is so short. I can not even begin to be anxious or worried about tomorrow or something that can occur in two weeks or two years, etc... It's simply not worth it to stress about especially because God, the ruler of EVERYTHING, has ultimate control over every single little circumstance we go through. He has control over whether or not the sun will rise each morning, He has control over whether or not we will wake up tomorrow morning, He has control over our health, and ultimately control over our twisted thoughts. The Word is so clear about not worrying and not being anxious about anything;  Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not worry about anything, but with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving make your requests known to God and then the peace of God will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ...Matthew 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."Why do I have such little faith? Why do I so often forget about these CLEAR truths? Why am I so easily deceived? Lord, have mercy... I am thankful for these past couple of months, yes I repeat I am THANKFUL, because God has restored to me the goodness of His kingdom. Life can be dry and extremely painful when God seems to be absent. I could keep searching for doctor after doctor to see if there is something physically wrong with me, but I think my biggest issue is that I need to be continually searching for the Greatest Doctor, Jesus Christ. Even if there is something physically wrong with me, I pray that my life would still be full of joy and contentment through Jesus. I need to stop turning to those around me for advice all the time, and turn to God initially to find answers & comfort. Surely I know God has a plan and reason for all of these painful things happening to me, and some day I'll figure that out, but for now I am trusting in Him alone.

This is just a devotion I saw the other day that a friend posted. Thought I would share.

          "The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to 'fix' everything gives way to a deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings." 

bethel

He's awakening the hope in me
By calling forth my destiny
He's breathing life
Into my soul

I will thirst for
Him and Him alone

He has come like the rain
That showers on the barren plain
So my heart and tongue confess
Jesus Christ, the Hope of man

My hope is in You, God
I am steadfast
I will not be moved
I'm anchored, never shaken
All my hope is in You

He's bringing hope to the hopeless
And giving his heart to the broken
And sharing His home with the orphans
He is the joy, He is my joy.

He is the hope of the nations
The father's heart we're embracing
He is the song we're declaring
He is the joy, He is my joy.

Beneficial Conviction

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41GPCKc1rmM
So today I realized that I have not blogged in forever.
Which led me to this video, A Call To Anguish (David Wilkerson).


I have been feeling a lot of anguish and hardheartedness, and this video always leads me back to the One who can heal my cold heart. I feel like we always find reasons to be upset with God rather than reasons to be happy with Him. I constantly find myself asking for more of what I am lacking, and never stop to think that maybe I am exactly where God wants me. He knows my anxious and selfish thoughts, but "true passion comes through anguish. And true prayer life begins at a place of anguish", and that is Good News even though it does not sound like it.


There is absolutely nothing physical that can give you joy; it is only what is accomplished by the Holy Spirit that can give you pure joy.


but for now. this video is insane, and full of utter conviction. but conviction is good. Enjoy.

friends friends friends

As many of you know, it's that time. That time in life where this little thing called "college" comes along and takes away all of your friends. Yes, this is indeed a very sad time for me. Heck, it is for everyone. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things this life causes you to do. I may be exaggerating a bit, but I love my friends to death and it's the worst feeling knowing that I am still in high school and that I have one more year to go. I could say hanging out with older people was a mistake and that none of this grieving would be happening if I just stuck with friends as old as me, but I am grateful. My best friends have taught me well, and have helped me to grow more in everything I do. Surely we have had our ups & downs, but only to make us stronger. I am going to miss my close friends dearly, but it will be an interesting year to see how God uses me. I love my older friends, but it's time for them to move on and time for me to as well. It's time for me to stop relying on them, and really for me to just trust in God with everything. It's going to be tough, but He'll pull me through it regardless of what happens. I still have my wonderful senior friends, and my amazing small group/leaders. It'll be a good change, and a real testing of my faith of what I have put my worth into these past couple of years. God will use me. And He will use them. Thnks fr Th Mmrs, guys :)

....Jesus

lately I've just been feeling this sense of loneliness and emptiness. You know that feeling where you just crave so much Jesus but can't seem to grasp Him? I read my bible every day, I pray constantly for more of Him and for Him to heal my brokenness, sorrows, depression..etc. It seems as if most of the time I overreact about certain things and I find myself having such little faith. I always ask not only myself "why?", but God too. I question every little thing I do. I don't know why I always feel empty and why my faith is constantly fragile and unstable. I don't know why God allows these never ending thoughts to process through my brain but they do. I seem to be okay with giving others advice and encouragement, yet I can not give it to myself. I can reveal this Truth and Hope to others but not even to myself? I just feel so empty and so cold hearted. Am I unwilling? Unfaithful? Doubtful? I do not know. But I do trust God in what He is doing. I know He has a plan for every little doubt that goes through my head. I know His thoughts and ways are greater than mine. I know it. I think I just need patience and more understanding of what He wants from me. I need to understand that God is in different spots with everyone. I question my parents' and brother's salvation all the time because I've been praying for them for four years and can't seem to grasp why God wouldn't want them to be apart of His family. I question why I do certain things that are just beyond my limits as a so-called "Christian". I question whether I'm actually even a Christian because I know I am not near anything of what Christ looks like. I question why I repeatedly do things over and over again. I question whether I'm ever going to learn or not. I mean I don't know what to do about any of this, but God DOES. I need discipline and I need more Jesus. I need this faith and this relationship to be real; to be the Only thing I am living for. I need others to know this and to see this in me. I need my Father so much closer, because I don't have a clue what I am doing and I need Him to teach me. I need peace and I need a transformed heart, because I am not who I think I am or even what I imagine to be...I want to be real so please pray for me, thanks so much. Peace be with you.

nom nom nom

Hello all you blog-stalkas, I haven't had much to say lately that is worth posting but life is quite exquisite and I'm just taking in summer one day at a time. Here's a little playlist for y'all music fanz. 

1. Animus Vox- The Glitch Mob

2. A Sight To Behold- Eisley

3. Fortune Days- The Glitch Mob

4. Witchcraft- Pendulum

5. The Island Pt. 1 & 2- Pendulum 

6. 5 Years Time- Noah and The Whale

7. Sun Hands- Local Natives

8. Towers- Bon Iver

9. Go Outside- Cults

10. My Girls- Animal Collective

11. Calgary- Bon Iver

12. Drive It Like You Stole It- The Glitch Mob

13. Hold On- Angus & Julia Stone

14. Beautiful Things- Gungor

15. On My Mind- Justin King

16. 20 Years- The Civil Wars

17. The Death of Us- The New Amsterdams

18. To Travels and Trunks- Hey Marseilles

19. Yellow Brick Road- Angus & Julia Stone

20. Rio- Hey Marseilles