Beneficial Conviction

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41GPCKc1rmM
So today I realized that I have not blogged in forever.
Which led me to this video, A Call To Anguish (David Wilkerson).


I have been feeling a lot of anguish and hardheartedness, and this video always leads me back to the One who can heal my cold heart. I feel like we always find reasons to be upset with God rather than reasons to be happy with Him. I constantly find myself asking for more of what I am lacking, and never stop to think that maybe I am exactly where God wants me. He knows my anxious and selfish thoughts, but "true passion comes through anguish. And true prayer life begins at a place of anguish", and that is Good News even though it does not sound like it.


There is absolutely nothing physical that can give you joy; it is only what is accomplished by the Holy Spirit that can give you pure joy.


but for now. this video is insane, and full of utter conviction. but conviction is good. Enjoy.

friends friends friends

As many of you know, it's that time. That time in life where this little thing called "college" comes along and takes away all of your friends. Yes, this is indeed a very sad time for me. Heck, it is for everyone. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things this life causes you to do. I may be exaggerating a bit, but I love my friends to death and it's the worst feeling knowing that I am still in high school and that I have one more year to go. I could say hanging out with older people was a mistake and that none of this grieving would be happening if I just stuck with friends as old as me, but I am grateful. My best friends have taught me well, and have helped me to grow more in everything I do. Surely we have had our ups & downs, but only to make us stronger. I am going to miss my close friends dearly, but it will be an interesting year to see how God uses me. I love my older friends, but it's time for them to move on and time for me to as well. It's time for me to stop relying on them, and really for me to just trust in God with everything. It's going to be tough, but He'll pull me through it regardless of what happens. I still have my wonderful senior friends, and my amazing small group/leaders. It'll be a good change, and a real testing of my faith of what I have put my worth into these past couple of years. God will use me. And He will use them. Thnks fr Th Mmrs, guys :)

....Jesus

lately I've just been feeling this sense of loneliness and emptiness. You know that feeling where you just crave so much Jesus but can't seem to grasp Him? I read my bible every day, I pray constantly for more of Him and for Him to heal my brokenness, sorrows, depression..etc. It seems as if most of the time I overreact about certain things and I find myself having such little faith. I always ask not only myself "why?", but God too. I question every little thing I do. I don't know why I always feel empty and why my faith is constantly fragile and unstable. I don't know why God allows these never ending thoughts to process through my brain but they do. I seem to be okay with giving others advice and encouragement, yet I can not give it to myself. I can reveal this Truth and Hope to others but not even to myself? I just feel so empty and so cold hearted. Am I unwilling? Unfaithful? Doubtful? I do not know. But I do trust God in what He is doing. I know He has a plan for every little doubt that goes through my head. I know His thoughts and ways are greater than mine. I know it. I think I just need patience and more understanding of what He wants from me. I need to understand that God is in different spots with everyone. I question my parents' and brother's salvation all the time because I've been praying for them for four years and can't seem to grasp why God wouldn't want them to be apart of His family. I question why I do certain things that are just beyond my limits as a so-called "Christian". I question whether I'm actually even a Christian because I know I am not near anything of what Christ looks like. I question why I repeatedly do things over and over again. I question whether I'm ever going to learn or not. I mean I don't know what to do about any of this, but God DOES. I need discipline and I need more Jesus. I need this faith and this relationship to be real; to be the Only thing I am living for. I need others to know this and to see this in me. I need my Father so much closer, because I don't have a clue what I am doing and I need Him to teach me. I need peace and I need a transformed heart, because I am not who I think I am or even what I imagine to be...I want to be real so please pray for me, thanks so much. Peace be with you.

nom nom nom

Hello all you blog-stalkas, I haven't had much to say lately that is worth posting but life is quite exquisite and I'm just taking in summer one day at a time. Here's a little playlist for y'all music fanz. 

1. Animus Vox- The Glitch Mob

2. A Sight To Behold- Eisley

3. Fortune Days- The Glitch Mob

4. Witchcraft- Pendulum

5. The Island Pt. 1 & 2- Pendulum 

6. 5 Years Time- Noah and The Whale

7. Sun Hands- Local Natives

8. Towers- Bon Iver

9. Go Outside- Cults

10. My Girls- Animal Collective

11. Calgary- Bon Iver

12. Drive It Like You Stole It- The Glitch Mob

13. Hold On- Angus & Julia Stone

14. Beautiful Things- Gungor

15. On My Mind- Justin King

16. 20 Years- The Civil Wars

17. The Death of Us- The New Amsterdams

18. To Travels and Trunks- Hey Marseilles

19. Yellow Brick Road- Angus & Julia Stone

20. Rio- Hey Marseilles

a little somethin'

So a couple weeks ago my English teacher had us do a creative writing. At first I thought it was really stupid, but I ended up having a lot of fun with it. So here it is.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you will want to know is how I ended up in this place. It all started last week while I was staying here in a cheap motel near Central Park. I looked out the window and saw...piles and piles of snow. I was getting ready to leave, and before I knew it, I was snowed in. I am not sure when I will be able to leave this place, but there is no food, and the heater is broken. My skin is slowly deteriorating, and my heart is overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety cast upon my shoulders. I am the only one here, and there is no cell service. I have tried using the house phone, but the lines have been disconnected. I keep hearing these voices, as if someone is here in the room beside me. My soul is aching, and I am trapped completely. I have tried everything possible, although every time I try something new, I find myself that much closer to this Hope. I trust that I will be able to escape, but right now it feels as if I am being punished and tortured for something I once did, as if this is happening for a reason. The walls are slowly and creepily closing in on me, but there is this Light. This is the only Glimpse that shines though the window both during the day and night. This Light never fades away, and I know it will never leave nor forsake me. When all else fails, and when all is darkness, I know I can look to that Light for the One and only Hope this precious and feeble life has to offer. I know I am not alone, I am just one step closer.

Your Light will shine when all else fails.

procrastination? yes please.

          boy, I have not been on this thing in months. Instead of writing my critical essay, I have decided to not conquer procrastination and blog instead. In the past couple of months, I have just been reevaluating my life and everything that comes along with it. Nonetheless, it's been hard, but very eye-opening and a huge glimpse at God's better purpose. A couple months ago I listened to one of Francis Chan's sermons on surrender, and I think of it everyday. Me, out of all people, try my best to avoid this topic of "surrender". In complete and utter honesty, I like things to go my way and through that I still strive to give all glory and praise to God. But what I have learned is actually the very opposite of this. Through this new stage of life, I have acquired the knowledge of what true surrender looks like. I have given up numerous possessions and materials, and yes, it was hands down one of the toughest things to do, but through that God rewards you. Trials surely are your mercies in disguise.
          On a different note, four of the girls in my small group got baptized today, and I also got to hear my best friend share her testimony at the 5 oclock service at my church. It was a blessed day full of weeping, laughter, rejoicing, and awakening. I feel so honored to have such dear friends, and an amazing church which I can call home. Be blessed my lovely friends and family.         

mutemath=brilliant.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rOi8KwxgFQ

OK by MuteMath 

Down on my knees down on my face,
You just say it's ok.
So many days I've thrown away,
You just say it's ok.
I don't think I could ever repay
Your perfect grace, but it's ok

It's ok, It's ok
It's ok, It's ok
You've become my embrace;
Just tell me it's ok.

Your precious words intoxicate

A heart that aches; it's ok. You don't recall my past mistakes, You just say it's ok. The human mind can't calculate Your perfect grace, but it's ok. Even though you've seen a thousand times I've let you down, You're always there if I should call your name. You're unashamed, unashamed.

surrendering and more.

"He will reveal himself to our earnest prayers, and graciously suffer himself to be detained by our entreaties and by our tears, for these are the golden chains which bind Jesus to his people."-Charles Spurgeon

Warning you now: this is probably going to be a super discombobulated post for some of you, but this is all on my heart and I'm not sure how to tie it all together and I don't care, so just bear with me.

I don't know about you, but I, personally, have a really tough time surrendering everything to God. This day has by far been one of the toughest and convicting days I've had in awhile (hence the angst of blogging). Anyway, I was having a conversation with my friend a couple days ago and told him that I hadn't felt fully alive in Christ since summer. His response was, "really??"... This killed me inside. Questions went through my head like: Am I being real with God? Am I only giving parts of myself that are easy to surrender to God? Am I giving Him the glory that I say He deserves? What am I even doing if my purpose isn't to glorify Him? This hit home. Especially last night. I stayed up till approximately 6am praying, crying, reading, listening, and marveling at the goodness of God. I took the cheesy "too blessed to be depressed" bumper sticker off of my car and put it onto my bulletin board. I saw it last night and realized I had been weeping about worthless things, and that I focus way too much on the negatives in my life. I really am too blessed to be depressed, and that's an understatement. I take things for granted, especially my friends and family, and I hesitate to do things for God that push me out of my comfort zone. I am so locked into the desires of my own flesh, that I can't even focus on what God might want for me. So last night was the night. I can honestly and truly still say to this very minute that these past 20 hours or so have made me feel closer to Christ than ever. I can wholeheartedly admit that I confessed all of these burdens and iniquities for hours last night, and I'm not ashamed of that. I was flooded with not only the grace of my friends and family, but most importantly from my Father in heaven. For the first time in months, I felt the glory of God at my fingertips. I listened to sermons, I re-read journal entries, I prayed immensely, and connected with my Daddy more than ever. It was something so huge (yet seemed so simple in the end), but really if you want to give up everything for/to God, then tell Him that. Tell Him your weaknesses, and be patient for His answers. Fortunately, mine came to me overnight but it's different every time. Remember that God always answers your prayers, even though it might not be exactly what you want to hear at first. "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning....You make all things work together for my good." I know this song is so "outdated" but these lyrics are soo powerful and so entirely true. God will never leave you unsatisfied. This is an uphill battle, but keep reaching for the top and you'll surely get there. Keep persevering! "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Prov. 3:15

"Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says, 'I cannot stand anymore.' God does not heed; He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.'"-Oswald Chambers

it is good!

I haven't blogged in awhile, so I apologize to those who actually read this and are saddened by my lack of consistency with my blog. Anyway, I'm going to keep this short and brief but this week has been nothing but complete atonement for me. This past weekend I had the opportunity to go to winter camp up at Forest Home, and that alone was just so refreshing. I came home feeling a sense of complete renewal and salvation, and right away knew I wanted to actually make changes "coming down the mountain". The theme was reflection and how the way we love others reflects God's image (1 John 3:16-20). The first day or so, I wasn't feeling spiritually filled or satisfied like I had felt in previous years. But by Saturday night (after praying that God would reveal himself to me), I felt this incredible closeness and intimacy with God that I hadn't experienced in awhile. I was singing at the top of my lungs to the point where I couldn't even hear others singing! It was truly amazing. If you want to hear more in-depth details, then just ask me. I'd love to talk more with you.

On a different note, yesterday was also a great day of celebration and reflection on God's blessings in my life. I found out I boosted my grade in American Literature to an A, which was quite exciting. I also was invited to a Global Leadership Conference that took place today during second period. A limited number of juniors (about 15 or so), were chosen to be a part of this experience and I didn't realize how big of a deal it actually was until I arrived. We got there and were split up into groups of 4 or 5 people, and did a bunch of little exercises testing our inner-leadership talents. It was an eye-opening process that we all fortunately got to participate in. The speaker (Carole Harder) was a Christian so it was definitely really easy to cope with her :) Global Leadership Connection is an organization that basically seeks out youth leaders in our society and brings them all together to help bring about a better future for us all. It really is an awesome program as cheesy as it sounds. They actually award scholarship money and an all-expense paid trip to Washington D.C. so tonight, I actually have an interview with them (that I am pretty nervous about), but at the same time am so stoked to talk about the ethical conduct in our world and link that with my spirituality! Should be a sweet time of great conversation and reflection of who I actually am and how I want to make an impact on the world. Prayer is quite acceptable, thank you :) Oh and one last thing! Listen to the song, The Words I Would Say by Sidewalk Prophets---soo good! Have a great week!

There is a God who understands

 In My Love by Phil Wickham

I have looked you in the eyes,
I have seen the tears you cried,
I have heard you question why you are here.
There is a reason, there's a plan.
There is a God who understands.
He's got your life inside His hands, have no fear.

Cause He says...
"In all your hurt, in all your pain;
I'll never leave, I won't forsake.
You're my child and I'm your God.
Come and rest in my love."

I know this road is steep
and I know you're tired and weak,
but the God of perfect peace, is right here.
He is the shelter from the storm,
He is the Rock, firm and secure.
He is hope forever more, have no fear.

Cause He says...
"In all your hurt, in all your pain;
I'll never leave, I won't forsake.
You're my child and I'm your God.
Come and rest in my love.

When everything seems out of control,
I'm holding on, I won't let go.
You're my child and I'm your God.
Come and rest in my love."

There is hope tonight, there is everlasting life.
Wipe away your tears, cause the morning sun will rise.
Love will never fail, He will never fail.

Cause He says...
"In all your hurt, in all your pain;
I'll never leave, I won't forsake.
You're my child and I'm your God.
Come and rest in my love.  

When everything seems out of control,
I'm holding on, I won't let go.
You're my child and I'm your God.
Come and rest in my love."

Perfect Love

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you're satisified and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone."

"I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait. Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I have to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you and that I am God Almighty; believe and be satisfied."

Our God is SO huge!

So I just finished watching the rest of the ["How Great is Our God"] video that Fil showed in Fellowship last week. I am amazed and I am sitting here in complete and utter awe of the God of the universe. God is so powerful and and such an artist... :) I saw a similar video like this about a year ago but instead of Louis Giglio speaking, it was Francis Chan. For some reason I was struck more this time and didn't realize how large God actually is. Sure, we say that a lot but do we actually know it? I guess you have to see the video to know exactly what I am talking about, so I highly encourage you to look it up on YouTube or ask Fil for his flash drive. Anyways, I started to break down in tears knowing that God is SO flippin' huge, like beyond anything I could ever put into words, yet He has a place for me in His kingdom and in His heart. He takes so much time just to listen to me, to hear my every cry and to receive my every prayer. I feel so honored to even be able to talk to Him. I mean after all, He did make the largest star in the universe (VY Canis Majoris). And do you know how incredibly HUGE that is?? Well. In comparison (if the Earth was a golf ball), then Canis Majoris would be the height of Mt. Everest (that is 6 miles high). Are you kidding me? Don't tell me that doesn't blow you away. That means you could fit seven quadrillion Earths into it. That is AMAZING. You could literally cover the entire state of Texas in golf balls, 22 inches deep. This video made me feel extremely tiny compared to the universe that God so greatly created, but He still chose me. He picked ME and YOU to be a part of His kingdom and His temple. Do you know how grateful we should be? This is a huge gift.. HUGE! The God who created these ginormous stars and planets has chosen you and I to experience His presence, and to experience His majestic creation. I don't know about you, but I feel so lucky. Praise God!! :) "The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands" Psalm 19:1.

Here is just a small comparison of the sun to Canis Majoris. And just to let you know, the sun is about 960,000 times bigger than the Earth itself. The Earth is so small that you can't even contemplate the comparison... Can you imagine how small WE are?? We can't EVEN compare... now just think of how BIG God is.... He created all of this... crazy.

my soul thirsts for You, and You alone

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."

 

Please Lord, help me.

why hello there.

Wow, I haven't blogged in approximately two weeks. Something tells me I may be finally getting past my technology addiction. Well, in the past two weeks much has happened. The Lord has been more gracious towards me than ever, and I am overwhelmed by the love that I've been experiencing from Him. This semester has been rough so far, but it's good at the same time. I'm being challenged in new, different ways and I'm getting stressed out which is also a good thing I might add. I went from having quite the easy first semester to having a difficult one now, which I could see coming all along. I finally have homework again, and I'm working hard for my Lord; it's a good feeling. This new semester has definitely had it's disadvantages too. I haven't had much time to sit down and talk to God or read my Bible as much as I want. About a week ago I made a new year's resolution list which included reading 3-5 chapters a day from a book in the Bible. I read every day this week except on Wednesday, which is pretty good for me. I'm actually sticking to my goals, and wanting to do better. I highlight "wanting" for a reason; this goal I have [to read my Bible every day] isn't something I feel forced to do. For once, I want to. When I didn't read on Wednesday, the next day (yesterday) I felt completely empty. Yesterday might have been one of the worst days of my life actually. And it wasn't because some tragic thing happened to me or anything, but rather because I realized I didn't have much one-on-one time with God the previous day. This really got to me, and last night I was talking to my friend Amanda about how it's so crazy that we don't have the desire to want to live our lives for Christ as much as we should. I find myself feeling this utter guilt built up inside of me when I don't, and this little voice in my head is always saying "How could you not?" I feel terrible when I realize I haven't been taking up my cross and not having that passion inside of me to live for my Savior. It makes me feel completely worthless and selfish as well. I need more realization like last night that makes me think this isn't about me. It's about the One that has Saved me from my old life full of sinful nature and iniquities. I need to put all else behind me, and persevere for what lies ahead with God. I need to be more consistent and know that God always comes first. Always.  

I coincidentally just flipped to this passage in my Bible :)  

"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want...Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." 

-Galatians 5:16-25

beefy, bulky, baby banessa

          Yesterday I was pondering about babies; yes random, but I love them... I mean who doesn't? Sooo.. I decided to take out some old photo albums. A couple weeks ago I was at my friends' house and we looked through a bunch of their old baby pictures and I just could not stop smiling. I did the same with my brother's, sister's and my own yesterday. Nothing but pure joy. It brought me to tears how fast we grow up, and how much I've transformed through the Lord all these years. It's quite exquisite I must say.  

          Moving onnn; basically I was 10 pounds when I was born. Nothing but pure fat, joyousness, and God's beautiful creation. I'd say I was a pretty solid baby.. maybe not the cutest, but definitely one of the largest and buoyant. I was very cheerful and playful as my mom would say, and I used to do some pretty inordinate stuff. I would eat gum from underneath the tables at restaurants and throw down sand at the beach like there's no tomorrow. I pretended to be asian for about two years of my childhood and entering kindergarten, I achieved a new-found obsession for red ants with one of my close friends, Joseph. In fact, we loved them so much we decided to put them in our pants. Good story, huh? Well, I thought so.

           I'm going to have to admit that my childhood memories were def. the best. I was such an odd child--still am actually, but whatevs. I'm just glad I have fascinating stories to share as I grow older & older. God is good, and He's made me exactly the way He wants me to be.

                                   Here are some pictures to drool/salivate over:

(Note: in this picture you can see the sand on my lips. Mmm yummy, my favorite snack.)

kids helping kids' benefit concert.

           Tomorrow, right here in Santa Barbara at the Granada Theater, I have the privilege of seeing Tyrone Wells and Mat Kearney (both of whom I am very fond of). I tweedled my thumbs about my attendance to this event for awhile since I have seen Tyrone Wells four previous times as well as Mat Kearney about two months ago. But I figured since I will be playing a role in Kids Helping Kids next year that I should probably go. I also do admit that I am a huge fan of both artists, and think that $30 is totally worth it to see them again; especially since all profit goes towards the Unity Shoppe. I've actually partaken in this fundraiser for three months now. I was chosen to be a Penny Drive captain at Santa Barbara Community Academy as well as Monroe Elementary to collect money for the Unity Shoppe. I know I sound pathetic, but it was one of the hardest fundraisers I have ever had to deal with; I had to drive to each elementary school twice a week and collect money from all 20 classrooms let alone weigh and count every single coin/dollar/check. It was hard work, but I think it was worth it because it will only prepare me for next year and what Kids Helping Kids has in store for me. I am very psyched for the benefit concert and also just to observe and see what I can do to help improve KHK for next year. Should be fun! Check out the tracks, All I'm Thinking Of by Tyrone Wells, or On and On by Mat Kearney. If you like, then buy their albums--Metal & Wood (Tyrone Wells)/City of Black & White (Mat Kearney). Oh, and you can still buy tickets if you are interested at granadasb.org!

a little playlist to start the new year off

1. Wasted Hours- Arcade Fire

2. The Suburbs-Arcade Fire

3. Knife- Grizzly Bear

4. Sticky Thread- Local Natives

5. Boy- Ra Ra Riot

6. Around My Head- Cage the Elephant

7. I Can See The Pines Are Dancing- Aa Bondy

8. Mardy Bum- Arctic Monkeys

9. I Can Talk- Two Door Cinema Club

10. Transatlantique- Beirut

11. Tighten Up- The Black Keys

12. Keep Your Eyes Ahead- The Helio Sequence

13. John Wayne Gacy Jr.- Sufjan Stevens

14. Floating Vibes- Surfer Blood

15. Pearls- The Union Line
16. Silver Lining- Rilo Kiley
17. All Day Day Light- The Morning Benders
18. Four Winds- Bright Eyes
19. Ghosting- Freelance Whales
20. Evil- Interpol

Happy New Year everyone!